Fragments
by delax
Summary: A collection of short fics, mostly tending toward humor. Some are musings on headcanons and some peek into an idea of an AU. Unconnected though, there are no real Links between them. ...Get it? Links? You know, just like the— ...I-I should go.
1. Goht

**Goht**

What honestly was amazing was just how _normal _it felt to roll around and around like this.

_Another ball of lightning. Dodge. _

I mean, while he did roll plenty even in his normal form, he still felt the sickening lurch of the world turning end over end.

_Jump over the fallen stalactite. Bounce off the rounded walls to get a free hit at the flanks. _

Did the rocky brains of a Goron just not shift as much?

_It stumbles. Get a few jabs into armor weakened by the sudden freezing and melting. _

He'd heard Navi say ears had something to do with balance...

_A crushing blow to the face-mask sends the creature crashing into the wall. _

"Jeez kid, how'd ya even keep up with that thing?"

"Gorons have no ears, that must be it."

"... wha?"

* * *

End notes:

This Link is the same one from Ocarina of Time, so he's already defeated Demon King Ganon.  
Slapping a Mecha-goat around doesn't exactly require 100% of his concentration, and thus his mind tends to wander while his body does the work.


	2. Dominion Rod (future AU)

**Dominion Rod**

Summary: Zelda in the Future!  
With metallic walls, neon lights, and robots! 

* * *

Her voice echoed down the metal hallways and past the disabled security cameras. Still excitedly explaining the new tool(?).

"... and with a DoM Remote Ownership Designator you can usually overload security permissions and manipulate pathing protocols!"

Link looked down at the Dom... thing. It looked like a magic wand. Or a very decorative mace. Was this really something to be so excited about?

She seemed to take his blank look as a sign to continue.

"The units with proper articulation installed may be further activated to mimic basic movements. Literally the coolest thing we could have found here!"

Midna looked at him encouragingly as he fiddled with it. He found a switch and *that* made a ball of light bobble on the top of it.

_Yay, new flashlight. Does this need new batteries every few minutes too? _

When he waved the magic rod with at her with a fake grin (_ See? I totally got it, happy now? _), the light spun away and melted into one of the powered down Mechs on the wall. Green shone now from its headlamps and it stood back from the wall. Link jumped away, surprised that the cobwebbed thing even _could _move.

The Mech jumped back as well. Reaching for his weapon, he saw it reaching for the same spot on its back. He stopped, then slowly put his hands up and it mirrored him.

_Oh. Ooooh. _

He grinned. A remote control in an abandoned robot factory is _certainly _something to get excited about.

* * *

Notes: Technobabble is pretty fun. I need to do more of this.


	3. Beedle's Shop

**Beedle's Shop **

Summary: Not much to this one, just a tiny little scene

* * *

The little houseboat was cramped as always, with nets and rope everywhere to tie down the merchandise when on the ocean proper. Some goods displayed on top of a dinner table. A tattered floral curtain blocking what's probably his bed. Exotic spices drying behind him.

"A returning Customer! Welcome, Welcome!" He says in his one volume, shouting.

Link points and hands over a red rupee. Beedle reaches over and gives him another one of the Hyoi Pears. Its skin is almost scaly like a lizards and the horrified expression it wears still creeps him out.

"Thaa~nk You~!" Link turns to leave as Beedle clutches his red rupee as if it were gold.


	4. Infatuated

**Infatuated**

* * *

Pity, gratitude, terror and now this. This woman seemed to bring out most of the emotional highs out of him. Link stood at the exit of Arbiter's Grounds, as both he and Zelda waited for the burning sands to cool for travel. She sat elegantly on the sandy grounds, while he felt like he was covered in sand and grave dust from the journey back through the Grounds and the restless dead they had to deal with. He snuck another glance at where she seemed lost in thought.

After fighting together against the Demon King, he with horse and swordplay and Her with magic and archery, they shared a quiet moment. Both panting from the exhaustion, and high off of adrenaline, they grinned at each other. Pain and dirt ignored for the moment.

Then it had suddenly hit him like a sword to the chest, this was the first time he's seen a truly happy smile on her face. Along with the notion that he would cross the kingdom again just to see another.

* * *

Notes:

I find shipping TP Zelda and Link kinda interesting because Zelda is much more mature in this game, compared to our farmboy Hero.  
While they meet rarely, its in pretty emotional times in the story: transformation, sacrifice, possession, final confrontation, and farewells.

What do they think of each other?  
How could they get to know each other?  
Can they overcome their class differences?  
Can I fit a cliche "sexy werewolf" story in there somehow?

All important questions really.


	5. Milk Bar

**Milk Bar**

* * *

"I don't think this is going to work."

"No it's fine, just wave the ID quick and keep quiet, nothing easier."

"But..."

"Plus I'll flash a bit of the ol' Cremia charm at them, they can't refuse!"

"It's just that how could _anyone_ think I'm 21?!"

She look down at the waist high child smugly smiling. "With one of these!", she said with a flourish.

"... I'm not wearing that."

"Come on, it's just your size!"

"Don't touch my hat, I said I'm _not_ wearing that!"

Several minutes later, the doorman for the famed Milk Bar opened the peephole to a knock. "Who is it?", he grumbled at the figure visible in the lantern light.

"Ooo, it's just me, sweet little Cremia, and my strong and very adult, though short, friend here." These were accompanied by various gestures that she'd heard, second hand, were seductive.

"Must be muggy out there if you're swatting so many flies, miss Cremia. And where's this friend of yours?"

"...down here."

The doorman looked down next to Cremia to see what appeared to be a green dwarf wearing a cow hat. The dwarf flashed his ID halfheartedly along with a wan grin.

"As a 21 year old, I wish to maturely come in here and deal with my problems in an adult fashion, by imbibing adult drinks, with other very adult people that are not in fact children."

"..."

"..."

"Sorry I didn't see you sooner sir! Please, come right in! We'll set you two up at miss Cremia's usual table."

As they walked in, the lady looked unbelievably smug down at her partner in crime. He refused to look at her until they were seated.

"... If Tatl ever hears about this, I'm not talking to you anymore."

* * *

Notes:  
You're a man now son, go forth and pasture.


	6. Meditation

**Meditation**

* * *

A full rest was not in today's cards it seemed. Again. Link crouched down on the least uncomfortable spot he could find in the corner of the room. The doors were locked and he had cleared the nearby rooms of enemies. It was safe as it would ever be for an hour of relaxation. If his "partner" let him sit still that long, Midna got twitchy when he wasn't always heading toward more bits for her stone hat. He closed his eyes, letting the heat and thrumming of pistons fade away into a calming rhythm, bringing his focus deeper within himself.

He had often daydreamed away hours while on goat duty, but having to crawl through ruins without the luxury of sleep created the necessity of getting a rest while still remaining vigilant of attack. It was of only sporadic usefulness at first, then he hit on inspiration. When a beast, he could feel his mind dull yet sharpen. It felt like all but the most essential thoughts fell away, sharpening what was left into razor-thin focus.

Link slowly learned to shave away thoughts in the same way while human, sharpening his focus, and trying to recharge his energy. He almost thought he feel it sometimes. Like a tiny flame that traveled along his limbs to soothe bruises or draw away weariness. That gem the gigantic plant had dropped, when he touched it, it had definitely made the flame burn slightly brighter. He had often fancied it was a touch of the magic Midna mentioned people of Old having. Reaching toward it he almost felt—

_"I know you're used to sleeping in wreckage (I've seen your house after all), but we have a bit of a schedule to keep."_

Link twitched into full alertness to see a shadowy figure looking disapprovingly at him. He got up, patted himself off, and automatically opened his mouth to apologize.

_"Look, kid, I don't need apologies. What I __**need**__ is my Fused Shadows, which means nap time's over!"_

As Link headed back out the door, the sweltering heat soon burnt away any thoughts of inner flames and magic.

* * *

Notes:  
I think it's interesting that TP Link is totally without magic, because there clearly _is_ magic in the world.  
He uses multiple magic items, like the boomerang and the Dominion Rod, but the magic is clearly in the item not Link.  
The most magical thing about him is his crazy endurance, from all the heart containers. Well also he's like super human strong, he can throw Gorons over the shoulder, swing the massive ball and chain, and pull open doors clearly made of solid rock. _(Midna says only Princesses deserve to get magic.)_


	7. Signed and Sealed

**Signed and Sealed**

* * *

"And with this peace treaty between our nations we can— we can… What are you looking at over there Lord Ganondorf?"

"Nothing your Majesty."

"If you're sure then shall we get back to— what is it _now_, sir?"

"It's just— I swear I keep seeing someone at the window over there."

"Impossible old boy! Those are the Royal Gardens, there's at least 10 guards at every entrance and exit."

"But I swear to you, I saw a face in the window. I thought we agreed that these meeting would be private!"

"I mean my daughter also uses those gardens—"

"A-ha!"

"But she's just a child! Listen, keep this between us m'boy, but she had to sleep next to me last night because of a nightmare. Isn't that just _adorable_! I couldn't say no to her little wibbly nose!"

"Hmm"

"Anyway, let's get back to this treaty. Your ambassador and I worked over many of the details over the winter, though I must admit I haven't even heard of these resources she said you desperately needed."

"Let me see… hm. Passage through each other's lands. Permit for an Aqueduct to your lake and a road in our mountains. Seems fine to me."

"It was a last minute addition, at the bottom."

"Gerudo obtain legal claim over any Datass sighted on Gerudo land and may take possession of any products thereof. Furthermore any Rockinbods found in Hylian territory may be taken in exchange for current market value?!"

"I felt daft as a cucco, but Ambassador Avril assured me there was a shortage of bedwarmers on cold desert nights. I didn't realize we had an untapped resource you ladies (present company excluded of course, my boy) needed so much. The lady's guards seemed to agree with her that there was plenty of Datass in Castleton and— are all right sir? You look green around the gills."

"... I beg your pardon majesty, but I must have a… talk with my retinue."

"Take as much time as you need old boy, you just got here yesterday. No need to— what _now_, sir? Stalkids at the windowsill?"

"No, a boy. A green boy!"

"... You are likely tired from your trip. **Cecil**! My personal manservant will show you to your chambers."

"B-but!"

"Good day Lord Ganondorf."

* * *

Notes:  
Let's be honest now, Datass **is** in fact a resource an All-Female tribe (minus 1 exception) requires for survival.  
Ganondorf's guards just thought that he forgot and "helpfully" mentioned it.  
Sooo helpful


	8. There You Are

**There You Are**

* * *

Tetra was not having a good day.

"We're lost."

Especially when somebody keeps questioning her competence.

"We're _not_ lost. We just misplaced our surroundings."

"My map says we're lost."

"Yeah? Well good for both of you then. _I_ know exactly where we are."

"Where are we then?"

"I meant that I _will_ know where we are once the stars are out, what's your problem anyway kid?"

"We passed Butt island—"

"That's **Heart** island!"

"And you keep ignoring the fact that I have a map of all the nearby islands!"

"Okay fine. You want to know why I don't want your stupid map?! It's a bunch of scribbles! Like if you asked an illiterate child to write directions to the moon!"

"It was drawn by fish actually, they know the water best..."

"Not sure if that's _any_ better than what I said. It's straight up unreadable!"

"... I can read it…"

The silence was starting to stretch after the argument. Tetra could tell that he was pouting, even from behind her. Water lapped at the sides of the boat. The mast creaked from the light northwest breeze.

"What does it say then?"

Link turned back around to her, his temper had cooled down as well.

"... That we're lost."

"Helpful."

He smiled at her then, somewhat wistfully.

"Well, it's like my Grandmother used to say: Wherever you go, there you are."

Tetra looked at him as his gaze turned more inward at some sort of memory. The kid was far from his island and honestly was becoming less of kid at each obstacle.

"Link I—"

"Kid," The King of Red Lions turned back at the pair, who'd forgotten him.  
"Seriously, the _fuck_ does that even **mean**? Your grandma is so full of shit."

* * *

Notes:  
More dialogue only chapters? Alrighty then.  
Windwaker Link is the most adorable Link.  
Tetra is a cranky pirate.


	9. Razor

**Razor**

* * *

_Scritch scritch_

It certainly wasn't the worst thing to come from his sudden adulthood. He didn't even realize when damn thing started growing, just that he seemed to absent-mindedly itch at his neck more often. Only when he had looked in the water after a quick morning dip, did he notice his grimy face. It was somewhat hairier than he remembered though. Peach fuzz grew in patches on his neck and jaw.

Curiously he had removed his bracer, rinsed his face and hands off. Remembering Talon's mustache, he touched his top lip. It was barely edged with a thin line of hair. In fact, most of it was sporadically growing on his jaw and neck. That can't be right. _Everyone_ he's seen with facial hair had a mustache. Even the Deku Tree come to think of it…

He had actually been worried enough that he woke Navi out from under his hat for some advice. Unfortunately, she was as confused as him, kokori weren't able to grow facial hair. She _did_ point out _Gorons_ seemed to not have mustaches. Maybe being a "Goron Brother" had something to do with it.

_Scritch scritch_

Now he just seemed stuck with it. When clean, the soft blonde hair blended in with his skin, invisible at a glance. The Zoran King certainly hadn't seemed to notice, though admittedly he had other things on his mind, like the icy doom of his race. Wait! Looking back He had a mustache too! A _fishstache_! Dammit…

Link shook his head. He needed to focus. The map said the coming room was the last and that usually meant a stronger guard than the common keese. Opening the door to his new foe…!  
It was a wolfos. But… White?  
Huh.

Does that mean it has ice powers or something? Time to test that.

Pulling out a bomb, Link held it in his hands for a few seconds before heaving it toward the Wolfos. Instinctively snapping at the flying object, the Wolfos caught it in its jaw.  
Right before it exploded.

Link waited a full minute, but nope. Apparently, it was just a normal Wolfos, as it stayed very exploded.

Looks like he can say _hello~_ to that fancy looking chest in the back of the room. Opening these things was one of the best parts of the job, never knew what you were going to get! Just as he was limbering up his frozen fingers to grab the lid, he heard a polite cough from behind.

How does he always… well, Sheik was here with another song. Link welcomed it, as Sheik honestly was the sanest person he had to talk to anymore. After the lesson, Sheik seemed to peer at his face closer as if just noticing something. Oh yeah… Link's scruffy face. Embarrassed, Link mentioned he wasn't really sure what to do with it.

"Here." Sheik's soft voice barely echoed in the cave. He'd pulled a knife from... _somewhere_ and offered it to Link. The thin edge glinted in the light. Taking it hesitantly, Link looked at Sheik questioningly. "Soak with soap, and then," Sheik mimed running the blade flat along his face.

Link's face lit up, he could get rid of it! With it's constant itching! Spontaneously, he pulled Sheik into a gleeful hug. "Thanks Sheik! I don't know what I'd do without you!" In his gratitude he missed how Sheik stiffened at such close contact.

… When released, Sheik stared at him somewhat wonderingly, then **Flash!** suddenly took his leave as he's wont to do. Link didn't mind, he was going to finally clean up!

* * *

Notes:  
Wait, a chapter with barely any dialogue... Woah.

I have opinions about Sheik, but I'll leave that for another day.  
This one is about Link suddenly hitting puberty, and one of the rather minor but unavoidable side-effects of such.  
This can also be a problem, for I hear blonde facial hair is not particularly good looking (plus beards don't grow especially well if you're only 17).  
When you're in the wilds for weeks at a time, growing a patchy itchy neck beard is insult to injury.

Fun fact: Besides Gorons, almost everyone with facial hair in Ocarina of Time has a mustache. Except for 3 people. None that Link would want to emulate, if he even remembered them.

I also head canon that at least one Link, through some trick of genes, has that perfect 5 o'clock.  
Comes out of a month of dungeon delving with that perfect rugged scruff.  
Like Strider from LotR movies.  
Lucky bastard.  
_(As for Sheik: #AsMuchADudeAsMulanIs. Fight me)_


	10. Elegy

**Elegy**

* * *

The first time he saw the "hollow warriors", Link had to admit he found them pretty creepy. Wooden echos of the soul. Seeing the dead faces of those he healed once again, not exactly something he would have wanted to meet in a dark alley, so to speak.

But after having to see them over and over and over again in the Stone Tower, you kinda get used to them. Especially his own statue, that cheerful smile eventually won Link over. Honestly, the little guy was nice to talk to, he didn't judge you at all or tell you that you're "crazy" for talking to an effigy. I mean what would be crazy is wandering around the same temple over and over, upside-down because of Giant **WORMS**.

Yeah, Tatl I said it. Your world is now 100% just the _worst_.

* * *

Notes: Now _this: _This is a fragment.

No real head canons here, besides Link cracking a bit at this point.  
And my remembered trauma.  
Stone Tower Wins many annoyance prizes (One of which is upsidedown), but takes the cake for worst boss.  
I mean, man, I was wacking that Huge Worm for hours!

wait that came out wrong.

On another note, I was imagining the _hilarious_ antics one could do with effigies of a person's soul.  
Like go up to poor Traumatized Lulu and plop down the Mikau statue, and say "Look I found him!"  
_(yes I tried, no you can't)_


	11. Biggest Fan

**Biggest Fan**

* * *

The sorceress Cia sat, looking into her favorite scrying crystal. It was one of many scattered around her home. Not just crystals, but also mirrors, a smoking fire, and a large pool that doubles as a bathing area.

_This_ one is her favorite though, though not the clearest or largest, she can set it up a nearby table and curl up comfortably in a worn chair in the library to watch. Because while it _is_ her job to watch over things, no one said she couldn't enjoy herself while doing so.

Turn the candles down to a dim glow, maybe a glass of wine, throw on something warm and comfortable. It was time for the visions of her _favorite_ soul to permeate the aether for her to enjo— guard from manipulation. It just so happened that this soul always seemed to have the most _interesting_ lives; full of adventure, derring-do, even a touch of romance.

The face and name changed from life to life, with no real rhyme or reason. Somehow though, you could always tell he was the same. She eventually settled for calling him by the first name she saw him under: Link.

* * *

Notes: I wrote this before I played the Game.  
That's why Cia is written far too sane for the Final Fantasy OC she is.  
Now I am currently collaborating on a [badfic] work of art novelizing it.  
As you can judge by my word counts, this will finish this side of never. lols


	12. Potter (Magic school AU)

**Potter**

Summary: Hello, do you like AUs because I sure do.  
Tonight it's Hogwarts without any non-zelda characters, toot-toot!

* * *

Link sat down on the train, honestly so much has happened today that his brain hurt. The whole morning had been a whirlwind of activity, starting with the shopping spree then ending up on this… Magic Train? He stared out at the shifting crowd of humanity, a familiar yet strange sight, with their robes and animal cages. He was shaken from his daze by a sudden knock on the door.

Before he could say anything, a blonde girl bounced into his compartment. She was almost shining with enthusiasm, "Oh Hello! Are you going to The Academy too? I mean you must be if you're on this Train. It's amazing! From what I've read, these Spirit Tracks run everywhere in the country and I never even knew! And I have so much to _learn_ about well… Everything!"

Somewhere in the rush of excited talk, an enormous trunk was stuffed into the overhead compartment, and a slightly smaller messenger bag was placed next to her, taking up it's own seat. Link, eyeing the bag's bulging straps, wondered if it had been invited to a dinner with an overbearing aunt that kept insisting it have _"just one more textbook"_ and it now had trouble buckling closed.

"Hey!" Link turned back to his talkative fellow passenger. "Did you even hear me? You looked like you were in your own little world there, you can borrow one of my books if you want to see them so much. I've already read all of those!" Link shook his head slightly, he felt bad for getting distracted, it had been a trying day.

"No, thank you. I'm just new and magic is so… I don't know, I'm a bit overwhelmed by all— All _this_." Link unable to quite voice his thoughts, gestured helplessly at the train and the crowd. He swore some of them had gills like a fish.

The blonde girl nodded understandingly, "It's all new to me too." Her excitement almost visible dimmed. _"__And I'm not sure I can do this by myself."_ Link was pretty certain that last part was not meant to be overheard. Link hadn't meant to spread his nerves to her, he really did appreciate how friendly she was being. He just had to say something to brighten her back up.

"I-It may be new and strange," Link blurted out, "but it'll be like an adventure, you'll see!" She looked back up at him, surprised. "Though..." he said hesitatingly, "I don't know what exactly I _will_ be seeing…" He gestured at her bag of books, "If you could explain some of the things we see, I think I'll feel safer."

The girl paused, then seemed to puff up with pride, "I mean, of course! Stick next to me and I'll tell you all about anything you point out!" She stuck out a hand, "Tatl Gaçon! Guide Extraordinaire!" He shook it with his own, "Link." He smiled, he'd found his first friend.

* * *

Notes:  
_No actual Pots were harmed_  
I was rather disappointed with the Potter/Zelda crossover section, most appear to be _Harry goes to Hyrule_ or _Zelda characters Help Harry_.  
I'm honestly more interested in the setting of Potter than it's characters, at least in this case.  
There are other magical school stories, even ones I like better, but I remember Hogwarts as a _setting_ better than I remember Diana Wynne Jones's "The University".

I spent far too much time thinking about magical-school style Zelda, trying to place characters and ideas for bits of plot.

Like Zelda taking to this like a fish to water, having the aspect of Wisdom and generally being magical in Canon.  
Maybe like Twilight Princess she would be a few years older and more mature than Link.

Midna being pretty much Draco: rich, on the bad "team", and a jerk, especially to main character.  
Though also being how _fanon_ sees Draco (actually has a heart and wants to touch main character's butt). (eg _draco in leather pants trope_)

Link having trouble with all but a few magics, however magic items come to life in his hands and skill with them comes nigh instantly.  
Possible fae descent or whatever Hyrulians are in this world.

And a modern day, yet magical, Hyrule sounds very compelling to build.  
Not even sure how much will be hidden from "muggles" in such a world.

Also Tatl has a brother, but he skipped out on going to school.  
Navi Gaçon, their mother is not really pleased and wonders why he never listens to her.  
Their last name is supposed to be french, and a terrible pun with the mother's name.

NaviGation.

feel free to applaud


	13. Rooftop (Super AU)

**Rooftop**

Summary: AUs? Don't mind if I do.  
Tonight's menu is a badassatudinal superhero. Time to get a gritty reboot.

* * *

_There's evil in this city. So much you could almost watch it. It drips down from the corrupt money makers. It forms puddles on the ground of the slums where people can slip and get caught in it. Getting it all over your coat and it's all like, dude I fucking bought that for like 50 rupees and do you think I can fucking wash this shit at home? No. It's got to be dry cleaned, which costs even more. You could just scrape off that crap, but people can still tell that it dried on you. And Goddesses forbid if you get any in your pockets, then everything in your __**wallet**__ is fucked. Though most people will still take your dirty money. And that's the problem with this city._

The Hero of Twilight, guardian of innocents in the night, crouched brooding on a ledge overlooking the metropolis. While his reception was generally chilly, once he took down the Northern Southside's mob boss with his bare hands and deposited him at the Guards, people were more like "_daayum son_". Problem was… it's quiet now. Without the mob's bankroll, no one wants to start shit. And when you're one of these grittier hero-types, that tends to lead to brooding.

_So if people are taking the dirty money, I just have to follow the source. Figure out where it's still coming from. Dirt comes from shit like the docks, right? Pretty sure you get pretty muddy there, plus some people import, like, loam from volcanos or something. So if I shake someone down there then, I dunno, give them a push or some shit, they'll run. I track their muddy footprints, right to the new hideout. And once I got dirt on them, I knock some heads and grab the nearest city guard. Problem solved._

Link stood up and patted down his pouches until he found his grappling hook. Unfurling it he spun it one, two, three until launching it at the next roof over. Swinging across, he appeared for an instant in the flickering of the gas lamps on the street.

(Almost no one bought more oil for those things, here on the South side of Castleton most people were all like, "_shit man, I can still do my drugs in the dark._" Thus the gas bill was rarely paid. Dark times indeed.)

He was soon at the Eastern docks. He knew the roofs here like how you know that thing that you have a really sweet-ass map for, so you hang it on your wall in your dining room and end-up staring at it all the time while you're eating your bowl Gerud-Os.

There were some Zoran workers pulling hefty loot from the cargo containers; there were souvenir mugs, beanbag chairs, and even some limited edition posters. But looking past the dope swag being unloaded, Link could tell some sneaky shit was going down. With his investigative acumen, he had spotted that someone had condoned off half of the dock with a black curtain and signs saying "_Don't look back here_".

Link backflipped like a motherfucking badass down to the curtain. '_The Perfect camouflage_', he thought, '_But not good enough for a Hero!_' Sweeping aside the curtain dramatically, he could see workers were loading up illegal fully-automatic bows onto carts. They wouldn't be a problem. Those 20 heavily armed moblins however... Link took a step, ready for the largest brawl in his vigilante career.

Unfortunately, the curtain had been swept back _so_ dramatically that the whole construction collapsed. On Link. Starting to struggle himself free from the dastardly clever trap, he heard someone else jump down and start kicking, what sounded like, the ever loving shit out of those probably not innocent moblins. I'm telling you man, there was like a fucking ninja or some shit out there.

Having saved his ass from certain death at the hands of smothering cloth, Link turned to view a figure of similar badassery to himself. An actual fucking ninja sitting on a pile of dead ass bodies. And Link was all like _Dayyyum gurl_.

"Hey", she said, "name's Sheik. As a fellow hero and not at all a princess, I'm here to help."

* * *

Notes:  
I wanted a LOZ superhero AU and I have found nothing for it...  
So thus this exists.

_#sorrynotsorry_


	14. Lake

**Lake**

* * *

_It's so hot, why is it so hot when the sun isn't even out yet._

Link paused to pull off his hat and run his hand through sweat dampened hair. Hyrule's open fields felt drier and more desolate in this future, the variety of wildlife replaced with silence and some scrubby grass. His sense of seasons was all thrown off by his ping-ponging through time, but his bones told him everything about this weather was _wrong_. And that was _before_ smelling the Lost Woods' miasma of damp rot or seeing the Zora's frozen crypt of a kingdom.

_I had hoped that this early start would beat the heat._

He replaced his hat and adjusted his pack gently, trying not to wake his still sleeping companion. Navi had found the top of his new backpack to be both roomier and less sweaty than her usual hideout in his hat.

It would take a few days to reach Lake Hylia and he hoped that that the shaded camps he remembered making as a child were still accurate… otherwise it'll be a long hot walk.

* * *

Notes:  
I just sort of assume Hyrule is not actually that small.  
Multiple days in the wilderness, plenty of camping.


	15. Stealth

**Stealth**

Summary: Justice never sleeps in Windfall Isle

* * *

The night was dark as tar. The clouds covered the stars, keeping the secret deeds of the earthbound safe from their celestial eyes. Judgey Fuckers.

The perp was keeping low, skittering between alleys when sure no one was in sight. Little did she know, I am one with the night. An unstoppable force of justice that cannot be hindered by mere—

"Is someone there?"

_Shit!_ She's stopped and is checking her back. Thankfully, there's no way she could have seen me.

"I know I saw you! Come out!"

Behind the nearest pillar, my mind races. I did not plan for this clear impossibility; my stealth would win awards if people could see it. Eyes darting left and right, the moon has risen to steal away the shadows that were my retreat. And surrender is not an option, she must be trailed to the scene of the crime for a clean confrontation or all is for naught!

"H-hello?!"

She's getting nervous, thinking maybe tomorrow would fit better on her criminal schedule. But Justice doesn't wait, it's now or never! I pull out my last resort!

_"Me~ow!"_ My feline cover story is deployed.

"Oh thank goodness, it's just a cat…" And she buys it, and starts picking her way to her planned heist.

And Green Justice follows, for I am the Night!

* * *

Notes:  
***Stealth mode intensifies***


	16. Dinraal

**Dinraal**

Summary:  
Dragons are myth.  
Only the weird green kid says different.

* * *

The sun has been down for hours now, campfire banked and dim. They had all laughed at him in the stable, but he'll show them! He'll show them all!

Link crouched at the edge of Tanagar Canyon keeping his eyes peeled to both ends for this fiery ass lizard. Watchful as a hawk. Silent as a Sheikah. Patient as a… really patient not drunk thingy.

That jerk who said his booze could topple a goron was a person who is dumb and wrong. Link feels as spry as always, even after drinking plenty of that guy's Shochew or whatever.

He had been having fun though, swapping stories with the other travelers, up until the point that dragons were brought up. And promptly laughed at it as impossible. _No really he had pictures guys!_ They had scorned his mountaintop selfies as proof. FOOLS!

Link's mouth twitches. Maybe it is a little harder to be patient than he would like to admit. Another drink couldn't hurt, it'll keep him warm! He just wants to find this fucking dragon so he can—

The wind suddenly picks up. _He's here!_ As the north canyon starts to softly glow, Link shifts his stance, waiting for his moment to strike. Soon they'll know he wasn't spreading tall tales.

At the first peek of dragon head around the bend of the cliff wall, Link leaps off into space, glider in hand and tactics etched in mind. _First grab the horns, then the mane for stability._

Let's see them scoff when he **rides a Fucking DRAGON!** And with this flawless plan, and nearing the massive head, nothing could possibly go wrong!

_**~~~Hours later~~~**_

It was nearing morning and the Stablemaster was gearing up to wake his honored guests, when Link stumbled in.

"Be_hh_d", he pressed a handful of blue rupees at the Stablemaster and fell face first into the nearest empty cot. He smelled of soot and looked like he had picked a fight with a hillside.

The Stablemaster, knowing when to leave well enough alone, started to shuffle away until he heard Link saying something, muffled by the straw-stuffed pillow. Pausing, the master just had to ask, "Is everything alright sir?"

Link lifted his head tiredly, but looked the Stablemaster straight in the eye. "Cheating", he said solemnly. "Fireballs is fuckin' cheatin", with that he fell back down to his pillow and right to sleep.

The Stablemaster went back to tending his other guests. He hadn't gotten the chance to ask Link when to wake him, but whenever he does, he won't be thanked for it. Judging by his bleary expression and rank breath, Link will have a nasty hangover to go with his bruises later.

* * *

Notes: Fireballs are never a good sign of a good time.  
You heard it first here kids.

And *finally* something about Breath of the Wild. woot


	17. Meet the Wizrobe

**Meet the** **Wizrobe**

Summary:  
There are many uplifting and learning experiences to be found in the wilds.  
Unfortunately, Link was looking for a peaceful lunch.

* * *

_Not sure this is exactly what I was looking forward to when I got up today._ Link hid behind a large tree, watching this humming moron dance around.

This morning he'd gotten a craving for pork, and went a-hunting through the mountainous wood. Travel downhill was now a breeze, literally, with the old man's paraglider, but unfortunately backflipping off cliffs with a bow does not improve your aim on pigs. So the hunt for boar turned to a hunt for his stray arrows.

Which brings us to the moron currently dancing over Link's arrows, wearing an impractical white robe and waving a glowy stick. Link gripped his boko club harder, there was something sketchy about how this guy left sparkles when he jumped, but if Link couldn't handle a dancer, who'd trust him to handle Ganon?

Link stood up from his cover and prepared to charge. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

****And _that's_ when Link learned an important lesson about fireballs.****

_HOT HOT HOT HOT_

Link rolled on the ground, dousing the flames on his shirt, and getting him away from his former hiding spot. The tree groaned at him, leaves swirling into the smoke, as if disappointed in its current status of _en flambé_. Twisting up to a crouch, Link cocked his arm back and hurled his club at the first flash of robes he saw, hoping to catch it off guard.

The fucker giggled and **literally blinked out of existence** just before his spinning club made contact. The club continues its arc unimpeded before cracking into the ground with a _Snap!_, now in two pieces.

Link paused.

_Nope. Arrows aren't worth this._

He took off for the downward slope of the mountainside, at a sprint. Not a slope. A cliff. Link fumbled for his paraglider, feeling a growing heat on his back. Awkwardly protecting his delicate glider, Link stumbled left to avoid a bouncy fiery ball of suffering. It set the dry grass near the edge of the cliff ablaze. _Almost there, just need to jump through it!_

Popping the glider's frame open, he leapt into the flames, praying for speed to keep the worst of the heat away.

**Swoosh!**

Link's arms were jerked in their sockets as the blazing updraft of hot smoke punched his glider straight into the air. Gritting his teeth and squinting through the smoke, he twisted to aim his flight towards the nearest water source. The wild sprint took a lot out of him and his arms were already screaming in complaint; he needed somewhere safer for emergency landing than the mountain-side.

Hard to see with smoke-streaming eyes, but Link swore he remembered a pond somewhere over—

_Oh dear._ There went his grip.

Thinking quick, he curled into a ball protecting head and glider as he tumbled end over end down the slope. His clothes protected him from cuts, but each bounce earned him bruises aplenty. After an eternity of spinning out of control, Link finally reached the bottom as he landed face first into cool mud.

He groggily raised his head.

_Oh hey... found the pond_

He rolled on to his back, and passed out for the night.

* * *

Notes:  
Woo! More Breath of the Wild!

Personally, the discovery of all the little mechanics in the game was just as exciting as exploring the world.  
And the discovery of updrafts pretty much went like this in-game lol


	18. Sledding

**Sledding**

Summary:  
Surfing is great, til you come to a slope-less tundra.  
Wait! Link has a _cunning plan~_

* * *

It was looking at an apparently endless plain of snow that had gotten Link thinking. Shoving on specialized footwear to wade through the icy shifting mounds had a more than passing resemblance to traveling inside the Gerudo sand dunes. Minus one thing. Sand Seals.

Besides their goofy portly form and apparent marketability as plushies, surfing behind one made travel through the wastes take hours instead of days. A pure and simple blessing of the goddess.

As he'd slogged up and down first the Gerudo highlands, then the Hebra mountains, finding this flat tundra was what finally made him decide there has to be a better way. All he saw on the horizon was white wasteland and the mountains he just slid down (the shield he picked up in Gerudo Town was surprisingly aerodynamic).

"Oh COME on! There's more? How is there so much ice right next to the desert?!" He'd spent several minutes pouting and kicking snow before seeing the nearby shrine and it had just clicked. "Wait… what if…"

* * *

One hour, two shrines, and much use of stasis later: it is ready. A revolution in transportation! A sled made of the finest in debris from a shrine's puzzle, along with the crown jewels: four stasis-ed guardian scouts leashed in front for all terrain movement. All he will need to do is release the rune and it will be smooth sailing. Or should he say, Smooth Sledding?

Ready for the technological advancement of the century, he opens the task manager on his slate and hits

_[Stasis→ForceStop]_

As soon as the magical chains release the guardians back into reality, they scatter. Or attempt to, rather. The sled swings and skids as the scouts skitter around, the front two trying to make a break for their shrine while the rear pair scramble for the wider wasteland of the tundra.

Link's knuckles whiten as he tries to remain upright. A rough beginning, but everything is under control. He just needs to reach the reins to restrain the rowdy robots, once there's a break in the tussle. Everything is fine.

His chance comes when the scouts decide they should circle the sled. The ropes strain as one pair goes left, while the other goes right, ultimately going nowhere. Perfect. He snatches the reins up and pulls back hard with a shout, finally stilling the stampeding scouts. Link lets out a breath of relief, loosing his death grip off the side of the sled. The scout's heads rotate to face him, apparently ready for commands. He's fine now.

Flicking the reins, he notices four red dots bloom on his doublet. His slate begins beeping indicating a targeting lock. Link carefully puts the reins down and starts backing away as the beeping speeds up, maintaining eye contact with the four glowing lenses. This is fine.

* * *

Notes:  
It's Fine. This is fiiiiine, don't worry about it.


	19. Joy of Cooking

**Joy of Cooking**

Summary:  
Zelda and Link bond over eating.  
Eating SCIENCE!

* * *

I don't want to eat this.

"It's for science!"

This isn't science, there's no robots involved. _Fact._

She pouts, "There more to science then metals and machines, you can make a science of anything if you try things out and write them down. Like this hoppy boi!" She pushes it at my face again, hoping to have convinced me to get a nibble.

Both the frog and I are not having it.

The princess sighs, letting both the frog and the playful mood go. Crap. Handling people is not really my forte. Letting my pack down off my shoulder, I may have to pull out something I haven't used in a long time.

Noticing me pull sticks and flint from my pack, the Princess's brow furrows, "What are you doing?"

Time for lunch. I don't know about alchemy, but this is something I understand.

I set up the pot over the now lit fire. Though, I only have salt and some spices in my bag so I guess we'll have to figure out what is good to eat around here. You know, **"Science!"** and all that.

Her eyes seem to catch the light, like she's excited to catch her own lunch. Sun peeking from the clouds. "You can cook! Can you teach me? Why do onions make the cook cry? How can you tell something is done cooking?"

Questions continued rapid fire as we hunted for ingredients.

It's only later I discover the webbed foot in the stew.

* * *

Notes:  
Zelda is a mad scientist born in a White mage, she has little chance to let it out.  
Link has the social skills of the tree that raised him.  
Both problems are solved in the future: it just took the apocalypse, 100 years, and a wiped memory.  
Now she can SCIENCE in peace and Link now has literally no social preconceptions (was he woke when he woke?).

Also, this is another attempt of mine to write like Kyon from Haruhi... so there's that.

Unfortunately, you have now reached the end of my 4 year backlog.  
Now more chapters will slowly come in drips and drabs as I write random prompts. Feel free to tell me what you liked and any fun ideas.


End file.
